Student Council Very imPortant Very Crazzzzy: The Stand Against Terror & We Will Eat Your Newborn

I'd like to call this meeting of the student council to order!!! As President Allison hands out the agenda to us in the GNN headquarters, I can't help but notice the absence of our VP and Secretary. But fear not, for the most powerful man in 9th grade sits by my side. With Ava missing, I start recording to ensure our absent representatives don't miss out on the excitement.

The usual suspects are all here: Allison, Denver, Molly, Maria, Avery, and yours truly, Ethan. We dive headfirst into our first topic - the budget deficit and domestic policy. Allison takes the lead, dropping a bombshell that sends shockwaves through our little political arena.

"So unfortunately there will be no Christmas formal this year, sorry," she announces, her voice tinged with regret. Molly, ever the optimist, chimes in, "At this point they might say we won't have one at all." I can't help but think my theory about the date being pushed into oblivion has been proven right again. School politics, am I right?

President Allison's frustration is palpable as she continues, "I'm so frustrated, I raised 2000 dollars for the school but it is holed up in the administration!!" Avery, bless her heart, asks the question we're all thinking: "What do you mean? Is it gone?" Allison's response is less than reassuring. "I don't know but a new plan will be unveiled. When the administration returns we shall have a fundraiser every week." I make a mental note to look into this policy position later

As we pivot to discussing the events planned for the week, the room buzzes with ideas. Christmas sweaters, headbands, pajamas - the options are endless. "Ok so for Christmas what do we want?" Allison muses. "We can wear weird Christmas sweaters and this headband. Or Christmas pajamas. Ok we need special days Tuesday and Thursday, yeah but we have to think of the middle and elementary schoolers." Molly, ever practical, points out that it might be complicated. But Allison is undeterred, vowing to ask the teacher about a Christmas pep rally.

The great man himself, Denver, suddenly pipes up with a crucial question: "When's winter break?" I respond with the wisdom of a seasoned politician, "The 22nd which is a Friday." Feeling inspired, I throw my own idea into the mix. "How about we wear color by level?" “Maybe.” Just then, the teacher walks in, announcing that the pep rally is to 'recognize the basketball players.' I lean over to Denver, whispering, "for what?" The irony is not lost on us.

President Allison then confirms that Ugly Sweater Day will be on official Ugly Sweater Day and that having class-coordinated pictures would be a great idea. "Yeah maybe we can have a class based on a Christmas movie," Molly says.  It seems our student council is hitting its stride, being very efficient and productive. Student council looks like it's being very efficient and productive. Then Molly starts singing. 

"Something somethings something lalalal." I as a great Christian do not know the song but the former nominee for president, Vera does. "Excuse me Molly we cannot say that has a Christian school!!" Molly, unperturbed, defends herself. "I bleeped it out soooo... well why do you know it." I, in my infinite wisdom, helpfully interject that I don't know the song. Vera, exasperated, retorts, "I knew it from the context from your MOUTH!" Sensing an opportunity to showcase my intellect, I ask, "The context?"

Denver then whispers to me again "what are you doing?" "It's for the notes it's gonna be a great tape." "You are taking video?" "No." As the government gets back on track the immense task of picking 12 movies I float the idea of a StuGov Christmas special. Shockingly, Denver rejects the idea but Molly backs it. I say we could have a GNN Christmas edition. Denver decided that it's a good idea and that we could make it 10 minutes long. Then...things devolve. 

"You could be the villain," Denver says to Molly. I concur while Molly is shocked. "What!!" "Yeah, Molly Shoesmacker!!" "Yeah, that hurt I had marks." "No, you didn't." "You didn't know how hard you hit them!!" "I didn't hit you that hard." "Yes, you did. They are shoes!!" "Hahaha, they were heydoobs bro." "They still hurt." "They have no structure, imagine if I hit you in the face with Converse. Ask Maria it hurts." "Yeah," Maria says. 

The president interjects. "Imagine getting hit with a hydro flask, ask Dash." "I hit him with one twice," Molly brags ON TAPE!! "I said if you don't shut up turn around and leave me alone, oh girl baby girl don't even play, I'm gonna throw it at you. "I, as the voice of reason and Christian morality said, "You can't throw that at someone." "He said blah blah blah do it so I asked the teacher and she was ok with it so I throw it at his head," I inform you dear reader that the former VP candidate just admitted to assaulting Denver and throwing a METAL WATER BOTTLE AT SOMEONE'S HEAD on tape!!! 

"Didn't you throw an apple at me?" Denver asks. "No didn't, I told Valeria to throw an apple at you but you dropped it. We all know we all know." "We all know what?" I interject, "This is very productive." "Y'all all know I have Val wrapped around my finger." "No she was on your knees." "Ethan, do you know how weird that sounds?" "It looks weird." "So here's the thing she was leaning on my legs and her head was near my knees." "Ok that's normal," Maria helpfully interjects. 

"And Ethan came and said to her what if she squeezed her legs and strangled you and killed you? I was like what??" "You're violent." "I can show you violent." This was the moment SSA had prepared for. To stand down terrorism and make the school great again!!!!  

"NO you won't!!" Denver then stated the the person who smacked him in the face, "ohh he said you won't. You gonna let that slide." (Is he trying to get killed or something). "He tried reporting me to the teacher she just laughed and said not to smack you in the face again." "She was so mad at Liam today, Denver interjects. "He didn't want to sit in the front." "He reported me too, Allison said." A kid made a joke saying he was scared of me." "What?" "Oh we know." "Ohh that." 

Molly in her infinite wisdom then decided to keep the peace in a great presidential move that will help her win an election in 2024.... hahaha. "Snitches get stitches and end up in ditches." "I haven't gotten stitches and I've never been in a ditch." "Snitches get stitches and end up in ditches." "Ok given never ended up in a ditch." "End up in a ditch means you are gonna die." "I'm not dead."

Denver ignores the death threat made by Molly to her political opponent and asks an important question. "Are we allowed to go into the capitol or not? I was told I could go in there by Billy but got in trouble." "You believed Billy? It's weird he talks more to me now." 

"These will be interesting notes to send to the kids who aren't here." "Why are you taking notes?" "That's like Ava's job" "I'll type them down later." "Nobody's gonna memorize the notes," Molly says. "People would read the notes." Finally, we get back on track...ish.

President Allison calls for an ugly sweater day. "Who has ugly sweaters," Denver says. I retort, "I thought you said you have a whole family of them." Solving the problem, I say. "Wear a sweater and cut some holes into it." Molly as a great, compassionate, empathetic person, basically the Allie Beth Stucky of the group, responds to Denver. "Well, the sweater doesn't have to be ugly if the person wearing it is." "I knew you were gonna say that." Someone can put down sweater weather, President Allison says. "It's gonna be in the highs in the 60s and lows in the 40s, is that sweater weather? According to the weather report."     

"We could name it 'Baby it's cold outside'" Representative Denver asks me if we have to do this. "These are ideas so I guess technically we don't have to, "It says student council to do", "Oh well I have like world events and geopolitics to participate in. I have to get on a jet somewhere." "Why do we have to do an arm wrestle. I can't win any arm wrestle." Then President Allison announces the student council gift exchange.   

"What's that noise?" It's just the AC, "that's not the AC, Denver interjects", it's the AC." I helpfully state. "Go outside and hold a metal rod?" "Why would I do that?" "I thought it was just AC?" "It's stupid to stand outside with a metal rod. Where am I gonna get a metal rod anyway?" Laying on the playground, Molly interjects. "The playground's broken." "Exactly you can find a metal rod laying around. 

"You are broke," I clap back. "She's not broke." "She can't even afford good shoes to smack you in the face with." Light laughter erupts. Denver claps back. "She can't even afford ears to listen." "Because I don't understand stupidity, okay." "We should vote to kick her out of student council." As much as I would like to impeach Molly, facts don't care about your feelings. "You would lose that vote," "what do you mean" "We did the calculations." "I'll kick you off too." "You can't kick me off I brought you in here." "I'll kick you both off." "You didn't bring me in here." "Yes, I did. I'm the one who told you there was a spot available."

After light banter, President Allison gets things back on track by rearranging the events and announcing eating contests. The teacher walks in, "As far as the video thing what are y'all gonna do?" "We are doing Vera and Nadelie as basketball managers," Denver asks if we are talking about how we lost 87-1. "That's irrelevant." "Don't say the dates [in the broadcast] yet." "Ok" "We need a list of people for the contests." "If we can't get people to eat we will just voluntold them." "You can't force people to eat pie." "Yes we can say you don't have a choice!!" Denver then says something stupid. "Can I get that on record?" "Can I get your shoe on record," I retort. 

"What if we got that tall kid." "Chris?" "Yeah." "He looks like he's from Oblock and he's gonna fight me,” Denver states.  "She there this middle school I joke around with...." "Kaia?" "No it's a guy and he started to..." "This is so irrelevant." "So then he came up and told the other kids don't hug me don't look at me. He said I'm too pretty for that." "Um guys." "And any time he comes to talk to me..." "So guys.." "Yes." "Something completely on topic? Aside from whatever that was, since we are not having a winter formal, I was thinking.." "We're gonna have the winter formal in January!!" "How about we do it for Valentine's day instead.." "shh" "shhh" "shhh" Denver say you gonna let that slide?. "Why don't we do it in January?" "I don't care what she says, I don't think she's older than me." Meanwhile, in the background the president discussed events. "Do you think Ava will do it?" "Ava's not here though." "Maybe Jayla?" "Hazel said she want to do it."

The president then declares that an 8th grader will be forced to partake in the contest. "What if he says no?" "He has no choice." "He has no choice what are you gonna do?" Molly returns. "As soon as I asked Aiden would you eat Pi he said yes. I couldn't even finish." "Let's force Maverick to do this? Go drag Maverick in here. Force him to do this as payback for what he did." 

"Oh ok it's 3:21. Oh Geneva must have texted me back let's see what she says." Denver in his great mind thinks of a great response "ohhh Ethan" "SHE'S THE VICE PRESIDENT we kinda have to fill her in on stuff." "Ethan.." "Oh be quiet. She's gonna hear this.be there....oh wait it's my older great cousin texting." "She hates me. She was glaring at me at the basketball game." "Denver this is completely irrelevant." "Then Maverick proceeds to say sorry that's an accident and texts me a picture." "She probably thinks you are a racist." Maria helpfully interjects. "I don't think that's the right word." "Nope mmmemme I'm pretty sure she thinks you are a racist." "Mmm maybe like homophobic." After more background chatter I say. "That's completely irrelevant." As I type my passcode in Denver then states, "dang he's got a huge password." 

"Make them eat horseradish," Denver says. Thinking of embarrassing events the students could do. "Did you watch the video Ethan?" "This class is nonsense." "You have to." "I'll watch it soon..oh wait Geneva texted back. I can send a tape of the meeting." "I then claim that we can make them lick people's hair. "We could give them a caramel Onion." "This is so cool OneUi 6 for the win!!" Then Denver sings an uplifting song. 

"Go get some corn or else we will sacrifice your newborn." "pfft what haha pfft what. Geneva is gonna hear everything." "What?" "I'm deciding it over and it's absolutely hilarious?" "What tape the one I took?" Molly interjects, "what tape?" "Forget it." The president announces she procured the list of names and events. "Vera I thought you didn't want to be in a picture. Go hide.." 

"Denver remember when I called Allison on the bus?" "Dun dun dun get some corn or else we will have to sacrifice your newborn." 

I will give a full press conference on the events that just transpired shortl hahahahah. Oh, this school needs help.